Truth, as ever, can be stranger than fiction

[joshwriting]

Today, a guest column:

I am a sick, weird person. We all know this. So sick, so weird, that
sometimes I even laugh out loud at inappropriate times.

Breaking live news reports last night included some very serious car
accidents, a number of ambulance calls, the closing down part of I-10, a
fugitive chase, police officers in danger, a brush fire, and major property
damage. It's not funny. It's not.

It all started with the cows falling out onto the interstate. The gate on
an 18 wheeler that was hauling LIVE CATTLE fell open. Those things weigh
1500 pounds. This is probably a major liability on some hard-working
person's shoulders. It could've killed somebody. It's not funny.

So suddenly there's a backup on I-10 due to "COWS HITTING THE ROAD" -- I
swear they said that -- by the 123 bypass ... I'm a weird person. It's
really not funny.

One cow was struck by another 18 wheeler and dragged a half-mile. Poor
cow. This is NOT funny. Another was hit by a minivan. Do, Jesus; you
might drive carefully at dusk in some parts for fear of hitting a DEER, but
who expects to nail a COW on the HIGHWAY? I don't even think that's covered
by insurance. It's not funny, really.

So DPS is using a civilian volunteer's TRUCK (there are guys in Texas who
live to volunteer their vehicles for such emergencies) to haul the dead
cows off the road and DPS workers are running around trying to herd up the
live ones. Not something they're generally trained to do. Not something
they're in shape to do, either. They had to call for backup. And one of
the DPS workers needed to be taken to the hospital, with exertional chest
pains. I KNOW this is serious. It's not funny. I'm so weird.

Now, pay attention. This chain of events - which is NOT funny -- gets
complicated. A pickup, reported stolen in Houston, speeds through this
scene, and almost hits a DPS worker who's directing traffic. TOTALLY not
funny. Probably scared the daylights out of him, and the other drivers on
the road, (who probably were already pretty confused what with the smashups
and the live-action rodeo going on on the bypass.) Additionally, the
joyriders almost hit a couple of cows. Don't ya hate when that happens.
Not funny. There's something wrong with me.

So a short chase after the stolen pickup ensues. 3 guys abandon the pickup
and run into the brush along the highway. This NOT an appropriate time to
ask if they had a sudden urge to hit the drive through for a hamburger.
That's really not funny.

2 officers involved in the the chase park in the grass, jump out of their
vehicles, and run after the fugitives. They catch the bad guys, which is
good, and lawfully subdue them, which is also good, for everybody but the
bad guys.

However, when they get back to their patrol cars with the suspects in
custody, they discover that heat from their engines sparked a grass fire,
which incinerated both patrol cars. Just, torched 'em. One of those patrol
cars was BRAND NEW. Do you think new patrol cars grow on trees?
Destruction of public property is not funny. Only a very sick person would
laugh her head off.

So crews are arriving to fight the fire -- which is spreading fast -- I-10
is being closed down, the fugitives are arrested but don't have anyplace to
be arrested TO so they're standing on the side of the road waiting for
someone to take them to jail as soon as the state of Texas has a spare DPS
worker with a working car -- and the driver of the cattle truck is being
given a ticket for driving an unsecured load. And I realize, I need help.

Comments

[superfinemind.livejournal.com]

>_<

Livestock transport rollovers are the worst kind.

...People flip out if a bee truck rolls, because that's scary, but not cows.

Stupid civilians.

...Pardon me. Unrelated minirant. ~=.

[still-asking.livejournal.com]

I know who wrote this, don't I?

[murasaki99.livejournal.com]

Actually, I'd be sitting there laughing with you. It's not our fault when God has a sense of humor and decides to express it through slapstick comedy. (I have often suspected his/hers/its sense of humor doesn't go much beyond the Keystone cops.)

Another silly highway story from when I was commuting in the Philadelphia area. My brother in law and I ended up stuck on the Blue Route in a huge traffic jam. When I turned on the radio the traffic report was saying "traffic is backed up for miles because a bread truck and a sausage truck have had a collision, spilling some of their contents on the road. The delay is being caused by police waiting for highway workers to clear the spills". After thinking about it for a while, I said, "gosh they don't need to get anyone to clean up the spill! All they have to do is quick put up a sign saying "free lunch!" and have people pick up a sausage and a bun on their way through and the mess will be cleaned up in no time." Sadly, this was in the era before cell phones and so I couldn't phone in my brilliant idea. :-)

[blushgrrl.livejournal.com]

What do you need help for? That's hilarious.

One of the possible equations for comedy is tragedy + time or distance. You are very far away from Texas.