Death Revisited
Sep. 1st, 2004 12:47 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
joshwritingFor the third time in a relatively short period, death has visited somebody close enought to me that I know the person, while not so close that I felt attached to the individual.
In each case, the death has hurt folks to whom I do feel attachment and closeness.
This death was of a 19 year old with whom my wife has worked for several years. She had been worried about him. One of his life choices when he went to college last year was to join ROTC. Susan, who catastrophizes at times, worked very hard to not let her imagination of what might happen to him run away with her.
His death had nothing to do with ROTC, as it turned out. He and two friends were jogging near his college. He was crossing a street, about 5pm, and a truck hit him (but not them).
"He was such a good kid." "He had so much potential." These, the words of Susan, repeated several times through the phone call I had to make to her to let her know of his death.
And then: "Is it wrong of me to feel worse about his death when there are so many others who die and have died? For him vs. a homeless person or others?"
She had the urge to gather her kids, the teens she has and does work with, and just count them and make sure that they are all right. And then, to not let them out again unless she can watch over them.
I know this feeling well.
I can't protect you. I want to. I can't.
The comment was made to me last night that death reminds us of our own mortality. I suppose this may be true, though that was certainly more the case for Sonia's death than Greg's.
What Greg's death reminds me of is how powerless we are.
I was 'accused' of being power hungry, recently. I scoffed internally at this accusation (not having had a chance to scoff directly at the accuser).
But I think, in a certain way, my accuser was right.
I am power hungry. I am just not sure that this is a bad thing.
*hugs*
In each case, the death has hurt folks to whom I do feel attachment and closeness.
This death was of a 19 year old with whom my wife has worked for several years. She had been worried about him. One of his life choices when he went to college last year was to join ROTC. Susan, who catastrophizes at times, worked very hard to not let her imagination of what might happen to him run away with her.
His death had nothing to do with ROTC, as it turned out. He and two friends were jogging near his college. He was crossing a street, about 5pm, and a truck hit him (but not them).
"He was such a good kid." "He had so much potential." These, the words of Susan, repeated several times through the phone call I had to make to her to let her know of his death.
And then: "Is it wrong of me to feel worse about his death when there are so many others who die and have died? For him vs. a homeless person or others?"
She had the urge to gather her kids, the teens she has and does work with, and just count them and make sure that they are all right. And then, to not let them out again unless she can watch over them.
I know this feeling well.
I can't protect you. I want to. I can't.
The comment was made to me last night that death reminds us of our own mortality. I suppose this may be true, though that was certainly more the case for Sonia's death than Greg's.
What Greg's death reminds me of is how powerless we are.
I was 'accused' of being power hungry, recently. I scoffed internally at this accusation (not having had a chance to scoff directly at the accuser).
But I think, in a certain way, my accuser was right.
I am power hungry. I am just not sure that this is a bad thing.
*hugs*
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no subject
Date: 2004-09-01 10:34 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2004-09-01 11:32 am (UTC)Power hungry? Nah. You just like to have things go your way. :)
But I think, in a certain way, my accuser was was right.
You're an NT type, yes? (ENTP?) All NTs crave power -- but power-to, not power-over. They yearn to be able to order, not to give orders. That is what it is to shape the world to our liking. It is a distinction which can be lost on people.
ΓΏ
no subject
Date: 2004-09-01 11:47 am (UTC)I meant that it was a reminder that it is too 'easy' to be touched by the death of someone close to us, or someone close to a near friend of ours. I meant that it was a reminder of how fragile life is. I meant ... too many things that I can't find the words to explain. But our own mortality wasn't the essence.
no subject
Date: 2004-09-01 07:44 pm (UTC)and yes, so many things that it makes one think of...
no subject
Date: 2004-09-01 11:02 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2004-09-01 04:26 pm (UTC)*hugs*
no subject
Date: 2004-09-01 05:35 pm (UTC)And of course one cares a lot more about the death of someone we know than someone we don't. Maybe it's a bit selfish, but it also just shows that we care more about certain people than others. You can't care equally about everyone, unless it's just a general lack of caring about anyone. I think it's better to care about a few people unequally than about nobody at all.
Here's to hoping that noone you care about will die anytime soon. I'd say that nobody will die period, except, well, that's not possible.
*hugs*
no subject
Date: 2004-09-02 07:20 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2004-09-07 12:52 pm (UTC)On power and control ... it's a complicated subject. Is it power over yourself that you want, or power over others? Why? From what I know of you, you seem to be a very protective sort of person, especially towards those you care about.
It's not the search and lust for power that's harmful. It's what can be done with it. I've seen too many people in positions of power and authority abuse it horribly. Look at our current administration, for one example. On a lesser scale, the site owner of a writer's community I used to belong to enactacted controlling rules (no discussion of religion, politics, war--and to me, that seems disabling to writers, because that and the depth of human nature is the stuff we draw from) and ban people for rules that were not ever written. I was banned for founding Evolution. What she did hurt a lot of people, because it was a very tight, close community. Even after the break, with a good many of the regulars leaving for Evolution, there's still people who're still recovering from the shit that went on there.
Power can be a tricky thing, because it can be so easily abused. I know I used to be afraid to be in any position of authority because I thought I would become like other power-hungry people and use it to harm. I haven't.
If the reason for wanting power is to prevent harm to others, or because someone else in power is fucking up by the numbers and you can do it better ... it seems to be different to me than wanting power just for the sake of power.
*big hugs*
no subject
Date: 2004-09-17 12:17 am (UTC)IMHO, whether it is a good or bad thing depends on how hungry you are and why you want the power.
Since I'm sure you are not hungry enough to hurt others or ignore their needs in order to acquire power, I doubt you are too hungry.
Since last I checked you wanted power to help others, not yourself, and that you would use said power to help others even at the expense of yourself, I doubt your reasons are too selfish.
There's more to say but I'm tired...